I thought that love would last forever: A phenomenological study of divorce, grief and transformation

Bacon, M. A. (2001). I thought that love would last forever: A phenomenological study of divorce, grief and transformation. (Doctoral dissertation, Pacifica Graduate Institute, 2001). UMI no. 3043116

Despite the fact that marital dissolution has become increasingly common, our culture continues to exhibit a great deal of ambivalence about the phenomenon of divorce. This is particularly true with regard to the experience of grief. Consequently, there is little if any validation given to the need to mourn in the aftermath of divorce. Yet, despite this lack of societal recognition, and the concomitant pressures to disregard the grief process altogether, there are those individuals who are willing to enter the depths and allow themselves the full measure of their grief. Rather than circumventing the pain of their loss, these individuals choose the narrow road and go through a time of suffering. As a result, they would say their divorce was catalyst for personal transformation. This study seeks to illuminate the means by which this occurs and, more specifically, to answer the question, How does grief in divorce transform? Beginning with an examination of the historical context of divorce, this study also reviews the existing literature of divorce and its myriad facets: attachment, love, loss, and grief. This, in turn, sets the backdrop for the heart of this investigation: the detailed portraits of seven women who, as non-initiators, did not seek their divorce, but were nonetheless transformed by the experience. These stories, when combined with my reflections, serve to illuminate the process whereby grief can act as an alchemical process for lasting change. What these stories show is that the willingness fully to grieve the end of a marriage can result in a new experience of life, one that is deeper and richer in tone and texture. It is a process that begins with an intensive period of self-examination, followed by changes in relationships to self and others, and that finally culminates with a new understanding of oneself and one's place in the universe.