In separate, unstructured, two-hour interviews, nine adult gay men described how they came to know themselves as gay and at the same time came to know themselves as men. Phenomenological reductions were performed. The men were more aware of the acquisition of their gay identity than their male identifications. consciousness of being different began for most at the age of 5; indications varied but included cross-dressing, sexual interest in other boys, and failure to perform successfully in athletics. The resulting general structure suggested that the men were far more conscious of "being gay" than of "being men." Psychological desire preceded specific sexual interests. Sexual contact with childhood friends tended to end at puberty. Rejection by partners resulted in wounds that still lingered at the time of the interviews.
The absence of adequate positive mirrors for homo-erotic feelings in adolescence led to secrecy, withdrawal, self-loathing, and creation of false selves. Coming out in early adulthood relieved some psychological pressure and ushered in a "gay adolescence" characterized by the concomitant search for love and the exploration of the self in relationship to others through sexual contact with multiple partners. As gay identity became incorporated into their self-concepts most of the men bonded using a variety of partnering models.

Acquisition of a sense of manhood was slow in developing for most participants. Adult validation from other gay men and from women, career successes, and grappling with the AIDS crisis has given the men a sense of strength which most have equated with masculinity. The separation of gay and non-gay aspects of their lives has made the process of identity consolidation protracted and difficult.

Psychotherapy with gay men must recognize the difficulties inherent in the creation of a psycho-social self in the absence of adequate mirroring and seek to redress the deficiency using both traditional and proactive models.